feeling empty...

I am not sure why, but lately I feel as though I am empty inside.

I am not sure who I am or who I want to be.

I feel as though I am of little importance in life right now. Why am I here? What is my purpose?

I am a wife to Simon, a sister, daughter, granddaughter and a friend. I am a gymnastics instructor. That is all that I feel I am as a person.

Why do I feel so lost?!

I guess I always thought I would be done with school by now and have began a career. Instead I am NOT in school and I'm not even sure what I 100% want to do in my life. I have so many different things I would want to do... I don't know how to choose. I am empty.

As I try and figure out things to blog about... I am empty! Nothing in my life right now is exciting! That's how I feel.... I am "blah!"

Its difficult to find something that others will find interesting - because my life is NOT interesting. I do the same thing every week... work, workout, cook dinner, clean, and enjoy watching my shows.

I enjoy reading everyone else's blogs... they are interesting and make me laugh. Its easy to blog when you have a family (other than a husband and dog). Simon and I have been wanting a baby for over a year now and we dream of the day we can have our own... but something is not adding up. Its hard to not get discouraged because we want a baby so badly.

I don't want to blog about "trying to conceive"- no one wants to read about that! I don't want people to feel bad for me... i just want a baby! We have been married for almost 5 years and I pray God feels as though we are ready to become parents. But it makes me think... did we do something wrong? Is there a reason we aren't getting pregnant or does God not think we will be good parents!? I hate feeling this empty- i am tired of crying over my emptiness.

I feel empty about my weight... as much as I work, go to the gym, run, and do crunches every night I have managed to put on a pound and as much as I pray and dream its not because I'm pregnant. I would have no problem with gaining weight then! Right now I want to be thin or at least look the way I desire.

Sorry if this blog seems like a "Whoas me" pitty blog... I am just in a difficult place and I am not sure how to make myself happy. Simon jokes that I need to talk to someone about my unhappiness- but does that mean I fail as a person?!

I should be happy- i have my health and my family- but is it wrong to want more or to want to feel proud of myself?!

I feel as though I have nothing to show for myself or my marriage. We have no house- we live in my inlaws basement to get out of debt (which we are looking at being debt free near Christmas. Maybe my attitude will change then?). All my money goes towards our debt with about $10.00 a week to spend on "me" whether its for lunch or tanning or something I need. Like I said we have no children and I cant help but to wonder how to be full and not empty.

I know I need to leave everything up to God and that he works miracles... but why does it seem to be taking a long time?! I know God is not on my time-line rather I am on his... but what do I do while I wait?

"Dear Lord, Please rid me of my emptiness and fill my life full of purpose and happiness" Amen.